Faster The Chase.

Leave and take me with you, take me. 

I'll still be chasing you;

I feel alive, you are my ecstasy it's you that I'm craving.

I feel alive, you are my energy so why do you hate me?

I, holding you, holding you close to me you were my angel.

I, lost control. You were my enemy, now you're my friend.

It's been a long, long time since I wrote here last. Things have changed. I hooked up with N briefly, but nothing really came of it. It felt strange. He's been a mate for so long that when we kissed it was just like...what? Unnatural. It wasn't right. So we haven't mentioned it again, and just carried on as friends. I like to think that I've put an end to that now.

Between November and December there was an empty patch. Nothing really going on. I was focussed on work which was good, and I spent a lot of time rehearsing for Oliver. However, there was a lack of excitement for a while. Nothing new. 

Until during the final week of Oliver, when things changed. A lovely new presence came into my life. We go to the same sixth form and I had spoken to him briefly before, but no conversations were exactly memorable. He helped out with the microphones and technical side of Oliver, but seemed to spend an awful lot of time chilling backstage as well. We ended up talking a lot. And pretty soon everyone else in the cast and who was part of the team started to notice we seemed to be together every chance we got. It was electric, we just clicked. As the week went on, we got to know each other more, and started to become quite comfortable as well as tactile. The final night was amazing. And all of the cast and those involved were invited to the pub and then back to Jess' for an aftershow party. I did my best to convince Him to come along. And he did. I kissed him on the lips subtly as I grabbed my bag, and told him to find a way to meet me at the party. As the car pulls into there drive, there he is, in the boot of someone's car. 

The night was fantastic. I was slightly alcohol induced, but he was not. Therefore he knew full well what he was doing. I mean, so did I, but he has no excuse. We kissed, a lot. It was gorgeous. 

The next day at the Get Out felt a bit weird to start with. There was an obvious attraction between us, but was that just a one time thing? Should I talk to him? God is this awkward? Shit. I didn't spend much time with him then. I was trying to look busy moving parts of set around that stage. The idea was flying about the studio of going for a meal or something for lunch, as a final farewell kind of thing. Once we had decided on when and where, I decided to walk up the many steps to the tech area and invite him to dinner with us all. He didn't seem overly keen, but once I fluttered my eyelashes and nagged a bit, he came. And sat in a proper car seat this time. The meal was nice. Everyone was together and the mood was high. We sat next to each other and shared some chips. Once everyone decided it was time to leave, I phoned for a lift but knew it would be at least 10 minutes before someone arrived to take me home. Everyone else was already leaving, but he waited with me. Just the two of us. It was freezing cold and we were stood outside the front of this beautiful old pub. The sky was pure blue and there was frost on every surface. It was freezing and he put his arm around me. Once I looked up to smile, and eye contact was held, we kissed again. It was really, really nice.

After we got to know each other even more. The next day was the ultimate test. School. I saw him at break, and I went over to say hi. Looking back on it now I'm surprised at my confidence to just go over and talk to him, and not allow the situation to get awkward. He was sat on one of the many tables and he pulled me in. We became close. And right then and there, we kissed for the first time in front of the whole of sixth form, completely sober. 

For the next few days we acted like a couple. Wanting to be together. Once people caught on, the questions started to arise and we became the talk of year 13. After spending a morning of free periods with him, his mates and several guitars, I left school to do an essay at home. I told him I was leaving, and gave his arm a squeeze as I got up. I didn't expect anything more at this point. However, he got up, brushed his guitar off on someone else, came towards me and pulled me in. As we kissed, he held me so tight, it was amazing. Without a doubt one of the hottest kisses we'd had. And possibly one of my hottest ever. It made me want more.

That night we talked about it, and what everyone else had been speculating. We decided to make it official. Hello facebook, hello world. I am listed as in a relationship, again. 

Our first date took place last night. Highly anticipated, we went to the German Christmas Market after school. It was adorable. We held hands, looked at all the lights and festivity, drank mulled wine, ate chocolate apples, and sat on a stone bench talking for hours. We would ask each other random questions in turn, and be completely honest. I was shocked at his truths, but I only felt closer to him because of them. It was such an amazing night, and my heart is beating  so much for him right now. This is the happiest I've been in a while.

You are my ecstasy, it's you that I'm craving. 

How can she

I've just had a major anagnorisis. 

My best friend doesn't feel the empathy that other people feel because she has never lost a loved one.

Recently, another friend almost as reserved and cynical as my best, has become somewhat more, compassionate and kinder. We get on more. She lost her great gran not so long ago.

She will wake up to the real world when the worst happens.

You never realize something until it's too late.

Hmm

I still like N, but I am cautious about it because I am uncertain of how he feels about me. I am reluctant to act on it because I do not want to make things awkward or ruin our friendship. 

THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL. 

Live everyday to it's full.

Go.For.It.

I think I'll take my shot the next chance I get. 

I have a new fall back... maybe...

He's called Dan. I've known him for years, and he's always had a crush on me. Recently though, I've found him more and more attractive. He has such a genuine and friendly personality. He's so sweet and caring. He's just lovely. We have similar tastes in music and he's got good style. So what's wrong? Well he lives quite far away. Well, not FAR far. But far enough to make me question if a relationship or a fling or whatever, will work. He lives in greater Manchester. So that's not that far away. But it's a fag to get to every weekend to see him. 

I was talking to him today and forgot how lovely he is. We've always had a special relationship. I don't really know what to do. 

I think I want to give it a shot with N, because that would be so perfect if it worked out. But then fall back on Dan if it doesn't. I feel secure with Dan. It's such a puppy but he's absolutely lovely. I feel... connected... to him. It's weird. If I really let myself I think I could properly fall for him. I just hope it wont backfire. Somethings holding me back and I'm not really sure what. 

I need to meet up with N again and see what happens.

I can't stop thinking about Dan though. 

Ahhhhhhh. 

Everything happens for a reason.

So I've been thinking about N quite a lot lately. Over the weekend we talked more than usual and even texted too. I don't know if this means anything to him or not. But I'm feeling something positive from it. I'm looking forward to Saturday. 

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I put my life into that phrase, because I think it is the truth behind everything. So, if it doesn't work out I believe that it's just meant to be like that. Like with my previous boyfriends I went through hell, and suffered, and they turned out to be different people than I thought they were. But I learnt a lot from the experience and it has made me a stronger person. Therefor I believe that is the reason for going through that shit. However, Reason's for getting with N aren't really coming to me. Yes, of course there's the obvious - 'because we like each other' (which I don't even know for sure yet) - but I feel like there's gotta be something more to it than that. Everything seems to be significant in my life. Everything has some kind of meaning and timing is everything. It's the start of spring now. Officially. Today the weather is absolutely gorgeous. Warm and everything. And apparently it's gonna stay like this for a while. Perhaps things are looking up. Perhaps this fits.

New season. New life? To some extent... maybe? 

I don't know if I'm way in over my head.

And I don't know if I'm jinxing this by talking about it. 

I guess I'm just going to have to wait and see what happens. 

Everything happens for a reason.

Everything. 

Time is everything.

In a previous entry, I wrote about a guy who I liked who was in a relationship. Since the letter X has already been given to someone else, I shall call this guy, 'N'. 

Just to recap. I have an absolutely awesome friendship with N, we've known each other for years and last summer we started hanging out and getting close. I sensed some chemistry when I was chilling with him at Cait's party, but I was too caught up with X to do anything about it. Besides, N was also into someone else. Turns out that when I broke up with X, N had just made his relationship official with this other girl. Over time I became more and more gutted because I still liked him, and I soon realised he is exactly what I am looking for in a guy, and I genuinely have feelings for him. However, I had to swallow my feelings, and forget about him because there was nothing I could have done. 

Nevertheless, last night I went out to a friends and got rather drunk. I came home at stupid o'clock wide awake and decided to check my facebook. God bless facebook. 'N and __ have ended their relationship".

How vindictive that a smile grew across my face at this point. Now is my chance. He wasn't online so I sent him a text telling him that I heard and that I hoped he was okay. He didn't seem too upset which is good, and he said the relationship ended mutually because they never really got to see each other. A couple of texts later he suggested that we hang out soon. I suggested next weekend and plans were formed. I've been chatting to him quite a lot online today, just having a laugh about anything, just like old times. It's been really nice. He genuinely makes me laugh, and now that I have realised that this is the person who I want to be with, I need to focus my attention on a plan. 

As far as I can see there is only one obstacle in my way. Another girl. An absolutely stunning girl - who, I swear, could be a model. Yes, she is my only competition I believe. However, she is big competition. Not only is she stunning but she is so kind, and has a brilliant personality. I've never really gotten the chance to know her before, but everything that I have ever heard about her before has been good. I also know that N tried to get with her once before - this was before I was even aware of my feelings for him - but she rejected him. Interesting. Maybe that will put him off? Maybe she's not actually that interested. Or maybe, the thought of him being with someone else has made her want him. Maybe because he HAS been with someone else, he now has the confidence to make a move... 

They're going out tonight for someone's birthday. They're going camping. Oh God, oh God.

Is the battle over before it has even begun? Am I making something out of nothing? Was I just handed a glimmer of hope that for once things were going to work out? - then only to have it taken away within seconds? 

The way I see it is this:

Tonight, I sit and wait. Wait until tomorrow when I will in theory get the goss. IF I find out that N and this girl hooked up, then I back off, and once more, forget about him. 

IF the miracle I am so desperate for comes true - that nothing happens tonight and she's not interested in him - Then next weekend, I shall meet up with him and make sure something happens. 

I so want something to happen, but I am apprehensive that it's just going to go wrong for me. Things seem to be doing that a lot lately. It's like some higher force is taunting me with something I want, giving it to me one minute and taking it away the next. I am the cat and what I want is the piece of string. 

I hope to God that this works out.

But I fear, and pessimistically believe that it wont.

I am just preparing myself for the worst. 

In your love, my salvation lies.

This weekend has been a bit weird. Nothing extraordinary has happened, but I've been feeling a bit weird. A bit low I guess. 

I've been watching the OC and collected a few songs from the soundtrack: Alexi Murdoch - Orange Sky, Rachael Yamagata - Worn Me Down, Ryan Adams - Wonderwall. 

All of which are quite mellow, and sad songs. I can't stop listening to them, they're all so beautiful. 

Yesterday I went into town with Eleanor and met up with Vicky. We had a coffee and I got on with El fine. I thought we were getting closer until Kayla text me and told me she couldn't get a lift to Cait's that evening. I told her I was getting a lift there with Eleanor, and I asked Eleanor if we could pick Kayla up on root. She said no. And wouldn't back down. I thought this was really unreasonable, her and her mum seriously need to chillax. They're both so uptight it's not cool. I didn't really speak to her much on the bus home because I was annoyed at her for being a dick. She decided to ask me, literally as I was getting off the bus, if I was annoyed. Because I was leaving as she asked I said 'no'. But as I was walking home I realised that I was, and I text her saying that I wasn't upset, but I thought she should pick Kayla up. I didn't hear back from her so I thought I'd ring her in order to sort it out before we went out in the evening. 

I guilt tripped her in to it on the phone. But just because she said yes  didn't stop me from being annoyed at her. This is who she is. And I am honestly sick of it. I don't want to know her anymore. We spend way too much time together. Today is the first day in forever that I haven't seen her, and I still had a text from her when I woke up. It's as if we are in a relationship. When we were at Caitlin's she was... annoying. Flaunting her body. I don't know why that annoys me but it does. Everything she ever does now, every little movement or noises makes me tense up. I am not comfortable around her anymore. I don't know what's happened. But I think I need a break from her. Impossible. We go to the same school. Live in the same town. Have all the same friends. And are known as 'a pair'. I do like having her as a safety net. But sometimes I just need to get away, break away from her, find new people. I feel restricted by her a lot of the time. As well as her being a safety net, it is a net that I have been caught in. I cannot wait for university. 

In your love, my salvation lies. 

Yes, I had a dream that I, stood beneath an orange sky. 

- A lyric that always seems to stick in my head.

This song was playing before as I was looking out of my window. I saw a man playing football with his child in the school. They were taking it in turns to hit the ball into the goal painted on the wall. It touched me for some reason. They seemed close. He seemed maternal and the boy seemed to look up to his father. I watched for a while, smiling inside. I feel like my heart is breaking at the moment. I don't know why. I feel like I'm trying to hold things together, and the weight of art work is making this so difficult. 

I wish I could escape everything. I don't want to do this. I don't want to stay in this town. Do these exams for these subjects. I don't want to continue with this routine. I want go somewhere new, a whole new island. Live in the sun. Work in a cafe, surf in my free time. Meet some beautifully tanned people. Find 'the one'. Be happy.

I can't do any of this because it is unheard of. Because it is dangerous. And because I might regret it. You hear stories of how people left this, and made it on there own. I think I've read too many pre war american novels. I do not want the American Dream. I just want a new life. 

I want to spend my time with chillax people. Doing chillax things. In a chillax place. Everything is too uptight right now. People are too pretentious. I've got sucked into it. 

The only conversation I have with Eleanor is if it's about someone else. Bitching covers 95% of a conversation topic. I hate it. She loves it. I want change. She doesn't. She's so negative and it is driving me insane. I want out.

I want to be more positive. 

I remember saying this last year.

This depresses me.

But I'm going to try. 

It's definitely worth a try. 

Again.

I'm going to pinch myself if I find myself bitching.

I'm going to branch out in the common room and work my way in with other people.

"It's an itch that I'll never stop scratching

It's a hole that I'll never quite fill."

Get over it.

I decided not to act on it. 

I went on past experiences and just realised that it would not be worth the risk. If I took the chance and told him - I could have lost a lot more than just our friendship. So, I quietly try and forget about him, and focus my attention on someone else. 

Not as easy as it sounds in a sea of couples. It seems as though EVERYONE is with someone these days. I'm envious of that. I hate how the last two occasions that I have been with someone it ended before it really got serious. Now don't get me wrong. Being single definitely  has it's high points too - but, I think it is fair to say that I am much happier when I'm in a relationship. 

I don't know what this drive in me is. But for some reason I always have to have 'someone' there. Y'know, a bit of potential interest. I wish I could understand why. Maybe it's an insecurity, perhaps just wanting attention - maybe even both. I just liked to be liked. 

So anyway, there is a 'new boy' on the scene but I'm not really sure what I think about this one. I'm thrown off by all the mixed signals. One minute we're walking back through the streets of manhattan, arm in arm, wearing his scarf - the next I'm being ignored. What's that about? 

I do like this guy. He's very sweet and I need someone who is genuinely nice for once. But I honestly don't know what he thinks about me. I'm used to being chased - not chasing someone. So this is new to me and I suck at it. It's so hard. I don't know weather I'm meant to back off a bit and play it cool, or get right in there while I have the chance(?) Eugh. Why is it so hard? 

More shall be posted about this soon.

I refuse to swing back in to the habit of exes. I've been in touch with one recently and have discussed meeting up for coffee. Today I actually thought that I missed him. Bad. Bad. Bad. This boy is bad news. He was seriously not good for me. No, not X - another one. Who was in some ways actually worse than X. I will never forgive X for what he did, but at least he was honest about everything and didn't leave me in the dark. Unlike this other guy who left me wondering for weeks on end if the relationship was going to last.

Turns out it didn't.

And I am not going to put myself through that again.

So yes, I need to focus my attention on the newer, NICER boy. Like I said, I don't really know what I'm doing. But everything happens for a reason doesn't it....?

Hm.

I don't know what to doooo. I don't know who to tell or how to act. I can't see myself getting over him because I'm in too deep now. And I can't get over him, because to do that I would have to know that there was no chance that we could get together. I can't find that out unless I talk to him. I can't talk to him about this. It would ruin our friendship. I feel awful and full of regret which makes me resent myself even more. Argh. I'm such an idiot, why have I waited until now to declare how I feel about him? Oooohhhh I don't know what to do. I need to talk to someone but it's got to be someone who can give me good advice, and who I can trust.

Mum will tell me to not do anything about it, but I can't do that. So what other choices are there? Argh, I'm so gonna get myself in shit here...

Things change.

It's been a while since I last wrote here. That's mainly because it's taken me a while to get over what happened. 

Not long after my last entry Mr X turned up at my door apologising for his lateness, he fell asleep. The night was... good. I woke up in the morning not wanting to move from his side, but knowing full well that my Othello coursework wasn't going to write itself. 

I'm not going to relive everything that happened, because I don't want to. I do not enjoy that memory. All I need to say now to clarify and move on - it is over between X and I. 

I am used to having someone in my life. Someone there to text, someone there to hang out with and flirt with. However, my backups have moved on. They are no longer there to catch me. Now for the first time in a long time I am really on my own. I hate it. What's worse, I still have feelings for one guy who is now involved with someone else. Unlike X, this guy is completely stable, kind, generous and for once my own age. We have an amazing connection, and we are fantastic friends. We started getting closer just before I found out that X liked me, then I focussed my attention on X because he was the newer, more exciting bad boy. Big mistake. While it was the early days of being involved with X, I went to a party and was very close with this other lad. However, even though me and him were into each other, he was also into someone else, just like I was with X. And that was okay, because it was I who decided to choose X over him. Nevertheless, now that I have broken up with X, he also got with the other girl.

I met her at a party for the first time the other night. She's such a genuinely nice girl. I wish she wasn't. I did not sense their chemistry, but that doesn't mean that they don't have any. I am envious, I dislike being in this situation especially as there is nothing that I can do about it. I can't tell anyone because then I sound like a bitch. I can't act on it, I can't talk to him about it because - what good could come of it? Ideally - in my horrible little mind - he would leave her for me. But I cannot expect him to do that. I just want him to be happy. And she is too nice to hurt. What's worse is that I cannot see them breaking up - ever. They both seem like the kind of people who will stay together forever because they're 'comfortable'. Worst. 

How dare I even feel this way. I had my chance with him so many times and blew it because I thought I could do better. It's only now that he is with someone else that I want him. I hate myself for that. I also believe, that now that I have been treated like utter shit in my past two relationships by guys who are older, drug users and general bad boys - I want someone different. He is someone different. He is exactly what I'm looking for.

But I am too late.

Waiting's boring.

He's late. 

He was meant to come over about an hour ago and now I can't even get hold of him. I hope something hasn't happened to him :/ ... I'm sure I'm just over reacting, although I can't quite understand what else he would be doing and why he isn't answering his phone when I spoke to him only an hour ago when he was at the station... Weird right? I hope he's okay, and I hope he turns up soon. Otherwise I'm going to bed 'cause I'm stupidly tired. 

I managed to do quite a lot of art today. Well, not LOADS, but I mean I put a lot of effort in and spent a good few hours working on my sketch book. Man I love Cynthia Von Buhler so much, she's amazing! I'm really hungry. I well haven't eaten enough today but I don't have an appetite either. I refuse to admit that I'm ill, because if I do that I know I'll just feel worse. This is just a blip. Yaaaawn. I'm yawning loads. Y'know those dead big and strained ones that make your eyes water - yeah, that kind. Here comes another one. Argh where is he! 

I don't really understand what's going on but I'm sure I will find out eventually. Every time I hear a car outside I think it's him, and that any minute now I'm going to get a knock at the door or a phone call, but, I'm starting to think that it's not actually going to happen. Hm. Where is my boy? 

Well, enough typing. I'm gonna watch the OC or something. I was reading the Great Gatsby before but it's given me a headache now so a good blast of the tv will so me some good I reckon. Ha, I just realized I'm actually really good at touch typing - I barely look at my keyboard at all anymore. Damn I spend way too much time by my computer... 

Valentines

Yesterday was Thursday 14th Feb', AKA Valentines day. I travelled an hour and a half via two separate trains to see Mr X. I had a most fabulous time with him. All the evening really consisted of was meeting his friends, chilling in a room for 6 hours and smoking several joints. At about 2am we decided to call it a night, and Mr X and I went into his room. We watched some dvds and listened to some music whilst making out - a lot. I'm so into this guy it's untrue. His body is incredible and everything about him just makes my heart flutter. He's coming home tomorrow, probably going to stop over at mine, stick around on Sunday and then come to Reel Big Fish in the evening with me. If all goes according to plan it should work out nicely. I'm anxious about his friend who hates me, I don't want her to jeopardize this relationship. I'm so weary of her, I hate feeling this intimidated. But once more is that she has now joined alliances with another girl, who for no real reason hates me, thus making a nice little double act. (Who are they trying to be, me and Eleanor?!) 

Eugh, my plan is to just keep my head down and keep out of their way. I don't want a fight, I don't want any conflict. I just want to be away from them, far away. Too bad one of them just lives up the road eh? What I don't quite understand is why they're sticking around in Macclesfield. I mean, c'mon really. Now they're older, why wouldn't they want to leave? Macclesfield's a pile of crap! Ha. I can't wait to go to uni, I really can't. I just want to leave this town and everyone who has an issue with me behind. Not too long now. 

So yeah, my main annoyance right now is X's friends and that they happen to hate me. What I don't fully understand is why and how they could possibly hate me when I haven't spoken to either of them in over a year. iuhjwiorjhpiwrjneljojgo;wjg 

It's just annoying. I hope the whole thing will blow over but will it really? Because if it hasn't blown over already, what's saying that it will in the future? They're not the kind of people who are willing to be civil either. Like, I don't exactly want to be friends with them, but at least just civil enough to not be nasty about one another. What are we, four years old? It's pathetic really when you think about it. 

Balls to it. I'm gonna stop typing now because it's getting me nowhere and only more frustrated. I hope everything works out with X, I really do. Because I'm not even kidding when I say that I am really falling for him. He's wonderful. 

Hmmm... What will become of this eh?

I wish I knew.

Complications

I suppose to some extent having "complications" as the title of just one blog entry is a bit biased, as everything I write will always have some form of complication.

Dad's back has gone. Today is Tuesday and it went on Sunday. He is in so much pain and I feel absolutely awful for him. I want to help. I want him to be okay. I want the pain to stop because it hurts me seeing him like this, I don't want him to suffer anymore, he doesn't deserve it.

Yesterday was fantastic. The weather was still gorgeous and I met everyone at the park for a lovely big chill. I had such a wonderful time, we went to Sainsburys and got cakes and things, as well as finding a foot ball and playing around with that for hours. It really did feel like summer, and I loved it. Everyone turned up too! Apart from El who went to the Trafford Centre with her mum instead. It was Rosie, Nathan, Vicky, Caitlin, Eddie, Kayla and myself. Such a lovely little group and we all had a  well good laugh. I left at about 5 ish and got on with my art timeline - which is now completed - in the evening. 

Today I woke up at the hideous hour of 9 o clock, due to having a driving lesson at 10. It went quite well actually, did a few laps around the Tytherington estate, and went up into 4th gear at the end of the lesson. 45 miles an hour! Woo-hoo! 

I got home and dad was still in bed. I fed the dog her Chappy and decided to take her for a walk. Again, the weather today is stunning, and going up on the field, and even driving through the Tythy estate has given me such an uplifting and nostalgic feeling. It's too bad I can't be out like I was yesterday enjoying it, unfortunately I have to work. Sad face. El's coming over this evening though, which'll be nice.. I hope. Because at least then it means that I'm doing something. However I just hope her bad mood and negativity wont bring me down. I'm not in the mood to be manipulated by her pessimism right now. 

Because of dad's back, we're not going to Leicester tomorrow anymore. Which at least means I have another day to do more work, but I was quite looking forward to seeing Sam. He's not coming to Reel Big Fish anymore either 'cause of the amount of work he has to do. I invited X in his place. Speaking of X, on Thursday I am in theory going to see him. That is absolutely terrifying. But, it's gotta be done at some point right? I'm squeeling inside. I am SO nervous words can't actually describe it. I'll be meeting all of his friends, hanging out with them, stopping over, and being judged. Great. If I pass the test then that will make this relationship 10x more brilliant and easier (especially seeing as one of his mates already has it in for me), however if they don't like me, and I don't gel with his lifestyle I'm not so sure this will continue for much longer. Basically everything is dependent on Thursday. No pressure there then.

Shit. 

Anniversary

it was one year ago yesterday when Andy opened my eyes (or should that be ears?) to New Slang. 

the same day that me and Mr X got together. 

Is that like, symbolic, of anything? Hmm.

Wow, one year. Fabulous. 

How good do I feel today? Again, the sun is shining and it looks so stunning outside, immediately lifting my mood. Not that it needed lifting though, as last night I had a most gorgeous time with Mr X. He travelled 4 hours to come and see me, how sweet is that? And when he got here we chilled about a bit, walked up to the lateshop in the freezing cold to get some food, and then snuggled up on the sofa watching futurama, scrubs and south park for the best part of 3 hours. It was so lovely. Then we came upstairs and started youtubing things and snuggling up in bed. I was so tired and so comfy I swear to God I could have fallen asleep in his arms. He left just past midnight, even though I didn't want him to go. The sweetest part of all, was when I was snuggled up so close to him, and we were talking about how many boyfriends and girlfriends we've each had etc. Then he just said, "Ahh I've got a well good idea..." I asked what this 'well good idea' was, and he then asked me, in the cutest tone ever, "do you wanna like.. go out?" ha. Just to clarify I asked, "what, as in like, boyfriend and girlfriend?" he confirmed. And I said, "No." in a jokey way, then quickly changed my mind, "yes, of course I do!" big kiss, big kiss. So. Mr X is now the boyfriend. I'm still going to call him Mr X though, I don't know why, it's just a bit more fun. 

Today. I woke up feeling great. And I still feel great now 4 hours later. I decided to blog my thoughts and feelings and recent happenings just incase I forgot later on. I don't want this memory to be lost. I really need to get on with some work though, my art timeline isn't going to do itself unfortunately. What's worse is that I have now made plans for tomorrow too! So it doesn't look as though I'm going to get much done then either. Although tomorrow will be a good day I hope. In theory, if the weather stays as beautiful as it is now, I'm planning to meet Rosie, Nathan, Caitlin, Kayla, Vicky and possibly El at the park. No doubt half of them wont turn up, but even if it's just me and Rosie it should be nice! I haven't been to west park in longer than forever, and I well need to cherish this weather properly before it goes again.

Anyway, work awaits. No doubt there'll be another entry here soon, when everything has turned bitter and sour. But I shall make the most of things while they are good, because if i can't do that, then what's the point in making things fabulous at all? 

Taste of spring

Saturday. This morning I lay in bed for ages just dozing and enjoying that I didn't have to get up at any particular time. I decided to get up at about 11 and when I walked out onto the landing the sky was pure blue and the sun was blazing. I smile immediately; this is spring. As soon as the weather is better, my mood picks up automatically. It's fabulous. I feel fabulous.

Mr X is in theory coming over today (actually in 10 minutes time) but I haven't yet heard from him, so for all I know he could still be asleep. Either way, if he comes it'll be 

- He just rang me mid type. He'll be over at about 5 ish hopefully. That's good because now it gives me some more time to work. (I love how I was typing about him and then he rang, it's funny how things like that happen...)

I just went outside to tell mum the lasted X update, and it's warm. I'm wearing slippers, jeans and a t-shirt and for the first time in months I wasn't cold. The sun is glowing and casting its beams down onto the grass illuminating it and everything else around. The birds are signing and the smell of freshly cut grass lingers around the air. I am so happy right now.

Still listening to the Pixies, I have been for the past week or so. They are just such a brilliant band. However I think I'm going to put the shins on now due to the fact that "Oh Inverted World" is my offical NICE WEATHER album. It has to be done.

Turn me back into the pet, I was when we met, I was happier then with no mind set.

And if you'd turned to me like a gull takes to the wind, well I'da jumped from my tree, and I'da danced like the king of the eye soars, the rest of our lives would have faired well.

Oh my gosh.

How much does this song mean to me?

If I got a tattoo, any tattoo, it would be at the bottom of my back and it would say, "New Slang."

If I had to have a soundtrack to my life, any soundtrack, it would be, "New Slang."

And If I could marry a song, any song in the whole world, it would be, "New Slang."

Please, someone, make sure this is played at my funeral. 

I can assure you, this will not be the last you hear about this song.  

Friday the 8th. Finally, it is half term. I say finally as if this term has gone on for too long but it hasn't actually been too bad. Christmas feels like yesterday. I have a really bad headache and I'm absolutely knackered. I'm listening to New Found Glory and that made me think of Andy. I need to see him soon. The amount of work I've got to get on with this holiday is ridiculous. And despite the fact that I said I would get on with some tonight, I can't see that happening, as my head is killing me. I'm going to the cinema tonight as well. Picking El up at 6ish then meeting Katy in Stockport. 

Jyl's going skiing this half term for the whole week so I'm not going to see much of her, if any at all. That's a shame as we get on really well at the moment. However, I guess in some sense it is a good thing as I really need to get on with art, theatre and english lit. Woo-hoo. Gold Lion's gonna tell me where the light is. 

I'm rambling. Because I feel ill and apathetic and can't be bothered being positive right now. I may or may not be seeing Mr X tomorrow, dependent on whether he comes back to Macc or not. It would be nice to see him, I miss him even though it was only Wednesday when I last saw him. Is that a good thing?

I'm going to Leicester at some point, Wednesday I think. That'll be good, I might end up stopping over at Sam's. It'd be cool if I did, and nice to see how his life works up there, but if i did stay I probably wouldn't do any work on Thursday, and as we have established - I can't really afford to waste time right now. 

Thursday... Hmm. Thursday is Valentines Day. Now, what are my plans for that? I would find it absolutely adorable if I spent it with X, but I can't see that happening somehow due to his busy schedule. I need to see Andy at some point too, like I said. But, would it be weird if I saw him on Thursday? I hate this complication. It would also be adorable to see him then, but, I don't know. Part of me thinks it's just not worth the complication. 

Reel Big Fish is a week on Sunday. Damn that's come around fast. Everyone is going to be at that gig, I think it's been sold out by the whole of my friend foundation and +1's. Should be good though, I'll see Andy then if not earlier in the week. I'll see the ex too. Which, will be nice I guess. I haven't seen him since we broke up and we've left the situation on friendly terms, so I suppose to some extent it will be good to see an "old friend" again. 

My room is absolutely freezing. Although having said that, the whole house is freezing. I am aware that it is February but it really needs to start getting warmer now. Roll on spring AND ROLL ON SUMMER. Oh my goodness I cannot wait 'til May/June. Everything (once exams are over) shall start to pick up then. Weather, places to go, people to see, things to do. Summer changes everything. Suddenly the feeling of freedom is released and ooooooh Leeds Festival! Fabulous, absolutely fabulous. 

That's something to look forward to then. Not that I wasn't already...

Well that was very exiting. 

I have no real recent events that are of interest right now. But without a doubt I will have within the next week or so. My life seems to be so unpredictable right now, who knows what's going to happen next. Currently seeing a gorgeous boy who I shall name Mr X. However, whilst I get on ever so well with X, there are underlying problems beneath his fantastic exterior. To start with there is the issue of drugs, and the issue of one of his friends who happens to, well, hate me. Hah, great set up really isn't it? No, I do not do drugs, nor will I ever. And as much as it bugs me that this chick hates me, I would do anything to put things right. I am not one to hold a grudge in the slightest. Things between us seem great though, the chemistry and the sparks between us are awesome. It's only been a couple of weeks or so but this boy is my new addiction. Alas, now I am going to straighten my hair, search for my copy of Death Of A Salesman due to the fact that I have an essay to write on it at some point, and, in theory, get an early night too. 

Oh yeah, it's lent now. This officially means that I am eating healthy. Or, healthier, as Jyl told me to say earlier. This way it sounds less like I am dieting, and more like I can enjoy little treats every now and again too. I really should join the gym. I'm not really overly worried about my weight, but I am about my health. I literally do no exercise whatsoever, and that cannot be good in the long run. Dad has high cholesterol and there's every chance it runs within the family. An hour a day on a treadmill can't do much harm can it? Pluss, it'll give me some time to actually finish reading The Great Gatsby too. Probably worth it. 

Probably. 

Experimental

It's Thursday and the time is 21:36, and as you can probably tell - I'm really, really bored. So I had a look at this old website I used to checkout religiously and realized that it was on blogspot.com, and after trying to make an account on here once before- and failing - I decided to give it another shot. Still, I am new to this, and right now I'm just experimenting around with buttons and things... 

So, as a slight introduction, the point to this site is for my own self purpose of "mind vomit". Now, instead of clogging up my hard drive with word files titled, "Mind Vomit, 1, 2 and 3", I can just cram all my thoughts right here, on the internet. How fabulous. 

Yes, I am a 17 year old girl. I have a lot of irrational thoughts and need to find ways to channel my repented anger. Writing seems to work a treat. :)