I've been watching the OC and collected a few songs from the soundtrack: Alexi Murdoch - Orange Sky, Rachael Yamagata - Worn Me Down, Ryan Adams - Wonderwall.
All of which are quite mellow, and sad songs. I can't stop listening to them, they're all so beautiful.
Yesterday I went into town with Eleanor and met up with Vicky. We had a coffee and I got on with El fine. I thought we were getting closer until Kayla text me and told me she couldn't get a lift to Cait's that evening. I told her I was getting a lift there with Eleanor, and I asked Eleanor if we could pick Kayla up on root. She said no. And wouldn't back down. I thought this was really unreasonable, her and her mum seriously need to chillax. They're both so uptight it's not cool. I didn't really speak to her much on the bus home because I was annoyed at her for being a dick. She decided to ask me, literally as I was getting off the bus, if I was annoyed. Because I was leaving as she asked I said 'no'. But as I was walking home I realised that I was, and I text her saying that I wasn't upset, but I thought she should pick Kayla up. I didn't hear back from her so I thought I'd ring her in order to sort it out before we went out in the evening.
I guilt tripped her in to it on the phone. But just because she said yes didn't stop me from being annoyed at her. This is who she is. And I am honestly sick of it. I don't want to know her anymore. We spend way too much time together. Today is the first day in forever that I haven't seen her, and I still had a text from her when I woke up. It's as if we are in a relationship. When we were at Caitlin's she was... annoying. Flaunting her body. I don't know why that annoys me but it does. Everything she ever does now, every little movement or noises makes me tense up. I am not comfortable around her anymore. I don't know what's happened. But I think I need a break from her. Impossible. We go to the same school. Live in the same town. Have all the same friends. And are known as 'a pair'. I do like having her as a safety net. But sometimes I just need to get away, break away from her, find new people. I feel restricted by her a lot of the time. As well as her being a safety net, it is a net that I have been caught in. I cannot wait for university.
In your love, my salvation lies.
Yes, I had a dream that I, stood beneath an orange sky.
- A lyric that always seems to stick in my head.
This song was playing before as I was looking out of my window. I saw a man playing football with his child in the school. They were taking it in turns to hit the ball into the goal painted on the wall. It touched me for some reason. They seemed close. He seemed maternal and the boy seemed to look up to his father. I watched for a while, smiling inside. I feel like my heart is breaking at the moment. I don't know why. I feel like I'm trying to hold things together, and the weight of art work is making this so difficult.
I wish I could escape everything. I don't want to do this. I don't want to stay in this town. Do these exams for these subjects. I don't want to continue with this routine. I want go somewhere new, a whole new island. Live in the sun. Work in a cafe, surf in my free time. Meet some beautifully tanned people. Find 'the one'. Be happy.
I can't do any of this because it is unheard of. Because it is dangerous. And because I might regret it. You hear stories of how people left this, and made it on there own. I think I've read too many pre war american novels. I do not want the American Dream. I just want a new life.
I want to spend my time with chillax people. Doing chillax things. In a chillax place. Everything is too uptight right now. People are too pretentious. I've got sucked into it.
The only conversation I have with Eleanor is if it's about someone else. Bitching covers 95% of a conversation topic. I hate it. She loves it. I want change. She doesn't. She's so negative and it is driving me insane. I want out.
I want to be more positive.
I remember saying this last year.
This depresses me.
But I'm going to try.
It's definitely worth a try.
Again.
I'm going to pinch myself if I find myself bitching.
I'm going to branch out in the common room and work my way in with other people.
"It's an itch that I'll never stop scratching
It's a hole that I'll never quite fill."
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