Everything happens for a reason.

So I've been thinking about N quite a lot lately. Over the weekend we talked more than usual and even texted too. I don't know if this means anything to him or not. But I'm feeling something positive from it. I'm looking forward to Saturday. 

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I put my life into that phrase, because I think it is the truth behind everything. So, if it doesn't work out I believe that it's just meant to be like that. Like with my previous boyfriends I went through hell, and suffered, and they turned out to be different people than I thought they were. But I learnt a lot from the experience and it has made me a stronger person. Therefor I believe that is the reason for going through that shit. However, Reason's for getting with N aren't really coming to me. Yes, of course there's the obvious - 'because we like each other' (which I don't even know for sure yet) - but I feel like there's gotta be something more to it than that. Everything seems to be significant in my life. Everything has some kind of meaning and timing is everything. It's the start of spring now. Officially. Today the weather is absolutely gorgeous. Warm and everything. And apparently it's gonna stay like this for a while. Perhaps things are looking up. Perhaps this fits.

New season. New life? To some extent... maybe? 

I don't know if I'm way in over my head.

And I don't know if I'm jinxing this by talking about it. 

I guess I'm just going to have to wait and see what happens. 

Everything happens for a reason.

Everything. 

Time is everything.

In a previous entry, I wrote about a guy who I liked who was in a relationship. Since the letter X has already been given to someone else, I shall call this guy, 'N'. 

Just to recap. I have an absolutely awesome friendship with N, we've known each other for years and last summer we started hanging out and getting close. I sensed some chemistry when I was chilling with him at Cait's party, but I was too caught up with X to do anything about it. Besides, N was also into someone else. Turns out that when I broke up with X, N had just made his relationship official with this other girl. Over time I became more and more gutted because I still liked him, and I soon realised he is exactly what I am looking for in a guy, and I genuinely have feelings for him. However, I had to swallow my feelings, and forget about him because there was nothing I could have done. 

Nevertheless, last night I went out to a friends and got rather drunk. I came home at stupid o'clock wide awake and decided to check my facebook. God bless facebook. 'N and __ have ended their relationship".

How vindictive that a smile grew across my face at this point. Now is my chance. He wasn't online so I sent him a text telling him that I heard and that I hoped he was okay. He didn't seem too upset which is good, and he said the relationship ended mutually because they never really got to see each other. A couple of texts later he suggested that we hang out soon. I suggested next weekend and plans were formed. I've been chatting to him quite a lot online today, just having a laugh about anything, just like old times. It's been really nice. He genuinely makes me laugh, and now that I have realised that this is the person who I want to be with, I need to focus my attention on a plan. 

As far as I can see there is only one obstacle in my way. Another girl. An absolutely stunning girl - who, I swear, could be a model. Yes, she is my only competition I believe. However, she is big competition. Not only is she stunning but she is so kind, and has a brilliant personality. I've never really gotten the chance to know her before, but everything that I have ever heard about her before has been good. I also know that N tried to get with her once before - this was before I was even aware of my feelings for him - but she rejected him. Interesting. Maybe that will put him off? Maybe she's not actually that interested. Or maybe, the thought of him being with someone else has made her want him. Maybe because he HAS been with someone else, he now has the confidence to make a move... 

They're going out tonight for someone's birthday. They're going camping. Oh God, oh God.

Is the battle over before it has even begun? Am I making something out of nothing? Was I just handed a glimmer of hope that for once things were going to work out? - then only to have it taken away within seconds? 

The way I see it is this:

Tonight, I sit and wait. Wait until tomorrow when I will in theory get the goss. IF I find out that N and this girl hooked up, then I back off, and once more, forget about him. 

IF the miracle I am so desperate for comes true - that nothing happens tonight and she's not interested in him - Then next weekend, I shall meet up with him and make sure something happens. 

I so want something to happen, but I am apprehensive that it's just going to go wrong for me. Things seem to be doing that a lot lately. It's like some higher force is taunting me with something I want, giving it to me one minute and taking it away the next. I am the cat and what I want is the piece of string. 

I hope to God that this works out.

But I fear, and pessimistically believe that it wont.

I am just preparing myself for the worst. 

In your love, my salvation lies.

This weekend has been a bit weird. Nothing extraordinary has happened, but I've been feeling a bit weird. A bit low I guess. 

I've been watching the OC and collected a few songs from the soundtrack: Alexi Murdoch - Orange Sky, Rachael Yamagata - Worn Me Down, Ryan Adams - Wonderwall. 

All of which are quite mellow, and sad songs. I can't stop listening to them, they're all so beautiful. 

Yesterday I went into town with Eleanor and met up with Vicky. We had a coffee and I got on with El fine. I thought we were getting closer until Kayla text me and told me she couldn't get a lift to Cait's that evening. I told her I was getting a lift there with Eleanor, and I asked Eleanor if we could pick Kayla up on root. She said no. And wouldn't back down. I thought this was really unreasonable, her and her mum seriously need to chillax. They're both so uptight it's not cool. I didn't really speak to her much on the bus home because I was annoyed at her for being a dick. She decided to ask me, literally as I was getting off the bus, if I was annoyed. Because I was leaving as she asked I said 'no'. But as I was walking home I realised that I was, and I text her saying that I wasn't upset, but I thought she should pick Kayla up. I didn't hear back from her so I thought I'd ring her in order to sort it out before we went out in the evening. 

I guilt tripped her in to it on the phone. But just because she said yes  didn't stop me from being annoyed at her. This is who she is. And I am honestly sick of it. I don't want to know her anymore. We spend way too much time together. Today is the first day in forever that I haven't seen her, and I still had a text from her when I woke up. It's as if we are in a relationship. When we were at Caitlin's she was... annoying. Flaunting her body. I don't know why that annoys me but it does. Everything she ever does now, every little movement or noises makes me tense up. I am not comfortable around her anymore. I don't know what's happened. But I think I need a break from her. Impossible. We go to the same school. Live in the same town. Have all the same friends. And are known as 'a pair'. I do like having her as a safety net. But sometimes I just need to get away, break away from her, find new people. I feel restricted by her a lot of the time. As well as her being a safety net, it is a net that I have been caught in. I cannot wait for university. 

In your love, my salvation lies. 

Yes, I had a dream that I, stood beneath an orange sky. 

- A lyric that always seems to stick in my head.

This song was playing before as I was looking out of my window. I saw a man playing football with his child in the school. They were taking it in turns to hit the ball into the goal painted on the wall. It touched me for some reason. They seemed close. He seemed maternal and the boy seemed to look up to his father. I watched for a while, smiling inside. I feel like my heart is breaking at the moment. I don't know why. I feel like I'm trying to hold things together, and the weight of art work is making this so difficult. 

I wish I could escape everything. I don't want to do this. I don't want to stay in this town. Do these exams for these subjects. I don't want to continue with this routine. I want go somewhere new, a whole new island. Live in the sun. Work in a cafe, surf in my free time. Meet some beautifully tanned people. Find 'the one'. Be happy.

I can't do any of this because it is unheard of. Because it is dangerous. And because I might regret it. You hear stories of how people left this, and made it on there own. I think I've read too many pre war american novels. I do not want the American Dream. I just want a new life. 

I want to spend my time with chillax people. Doing chillax things. In a chillax place. Everything is too uptight right now. People are too pretentious. I've got sucked into it. 

The only conversation I have with Eleanor is if it's about someone else. Bitching covers 95% of a conversation topic. I hate it. She loves it. I want change. She doesn't. She's so negative and it is driving me insane. I want out.

I want to be more positive. 

I remember saying this last year.

This depresses me.

But I'm going to try. 

It's definitely worth a try. 

Again.

I'm going to pinch myself if I find myself bitching.

I'm going to branch out in the common room and work my way in with other people.

"It's an itch that I'll never stop scratching

It's a hole that I'll never quite fill."

Get over it.

I decided not to act on it. 

I went on past experiences and just realised that it would not be worth the risk. If I took the chance and told him - I could have lost a lot more than just our friendship. So, I quietly try and forget about him, and focus my attention on someone else. 

Not as easy as it sounds in a sea of couples. It seems as though EVERYONE is with someone these days. I'm envious of that. I hate how the last two occasions that I have been with someone it ended before it really got serious. Now don't get me wrong. Being single definitely  has it's high points too - but, I think it is fair to say that I am much happier when I'm in a relationship. 

I don't know what this drive in me is. But for some reason I always have to have 'someone' there. Y'know, a bit of potential interest. I wish I could understand why. Maybe it's an insecurity, perhaps just wanting attention - maybe even both. I just liked to be liked. 

So anyway, there is a 'new boy' on the scene but I'm not really sure what I think about this one. I'm thrown off by all the mixed signals. One minute we're walking back through the streets of manhattan, arm in arm, wearing his scarf - the next I'm being ignored. What's that about? 

I do like this guy. He's very sweet and I need someone who is genuinely nice for once. But I honestly don't know what he thinks about me. I'm used to being chased - not chasing someone. So this is new to me and I suck at it. It's so hard. I don't know weather I'm meant to back off a bit and play it cool, or get right in there while I have the chance(?) Eugh. Why is it so hard? 

More shall be posted about this soon.

I refuse to swing back in to the habit of exes. I've been in touch with one recently and have discussed meeting up for coffee. Today I actually thought that I missed him. Bad. Bad. Bad. This boy is bad news. He was seriously not good for me. No, not X - another one. Who was in some ways actually worse than X. I will never forgive X for what he did, but at least he was honest about everything and didn't leave me in the dark. Unlike this other guy who left me wondering for weeks on end if the relationship was going to last.

Turns out it didn't.

And I am not going to put myself through that again.

So yes, I need to focus my attention on the newer, NICER boy. Like I said, I don't really know what I'm doing. But everything happens for a reason doesn't it....?

Hm.

I don't know what to doooo. I don't know who to tell or how to act. I can't see myself getting over him because I'm in too deep now. And I can't get over him, because to do that I would have to know that there was no chance that we could get together. I can't find that out unless I talk to him. I can't talk to him about this. It would ruin our friendship. I feel awful and full of regret which makes me resent myself even more. Argh. I'm such an idiot, why have I waited until now to declare how I feel about him? Oooohhhh I don't know what to do. I need to talk to someone but it's got to be someone who can give me good advice, and who I can trust.

Mum will tell me to not do anything about it, but I can't do that. So what other choices are there? Argh, I'm so gonna get myself in shit here...

Things change.

It's been a while since I last wrote here. That's mainly because it's taken me a while to get over what happened. 

Not long after my last entry Mr X turned up at my door apologising for his lateness, he fell asleep. The night was... good. I woke up in the morning not wanting to move from his side, but knowing full well that my Othello coursework wasn't going to write itself. 

I'm not going to relive everything that happened, because I don't want to. I do not enjoy that memory. All I need to say now to clarify and move on - it is over between X and I. 

I am used to having someone in my life. Someone there to text, someone there to hang out with and flirt with. However, my backups have moved on. They are no longer there to catch me. Now for the first time in a long time I am really on my own. I hate it. What's worse, I still have feelings for one guy who is now involved with someone else. Unlike X, this guy is completely stable, kind, generous and for once my own age. We have an amazing connection, and we are fantastic friends. We started getting closer just before I found out that X liked me, then I focussed my attention on X because he was the newer, more exciting bad boy. Big mistake. While it was the early days of being involved with X, I went to a party and was very close with this other lad. However, even though me and him were into each other, he was also into someone else, just like I was with X. And that was okay, because it was I who decided to choose X over him. Nevertheless, now that I have broken up with X, he also got with the other girl.

I met her at a party for the first time the other night. She's such a genuinely nice girl. I wish she wasn't. I did not sense their chemistry, but that doesn't mean that they don't have any. I am envious, I dislike being in this situation especially as there is nothing that I can do about it. I can't tell anyone because then I sound like a bitch. I can't act on it, I can't talk to him about it because - what good could come of it? Ideally - in my horrible little mind - he would leave her for me. But I cannot expect him to do that. I just want him to be happy. And she is too nice to hurt. What's worse is that I cannot see them breaking up - ever. They both seem like the kind of people who will stay together forever because they're 'comfortable'. Worst. 

How dare I even feel this way. I had my chance with him so many times and blew it because I thought I could do better. It's only now that he is with someone else that I want him. I hate myself for that. I also believe, that now that I have been treated like utter shit in my past two relationships by guys who are older, drug users and general bad boys - I want someone different. He is someone different. He is exactly what I'm looking for.

But I am too late.

Waiting's boring.

He's late. 

He was meant to come over about an hour ago and now I can't even get hold of him. I hope something hasn't happened to him :/ ... I'm sure I'm just over reacting, although I can't quite understand what else he would be doing and why he isn't answering his phone when I spoke to him only an hour ago when he was at the station... Weird right? I hope he's okay, and I hope he turns up soon. Otherwise I'm going to bed 'cause I'm stupidly tired. 

I managed to do quite a lot of art today. Well, not LOADS, but I mean I put a lot of effort in and spent a good few hours working on my sketch book. Man I love Cynthia Von Buhler so much, she's amazing! I'm really hungry. I well haven't eaten enough today but I don't have an appetite either. I refuse to admit that I'm ill, because if I do that I know I'll just feel worse. This is just a blip. Yaaaawn. I'm yawning loads. Y'know those dead big and strained ones that make your eyes water - yeah, that kind. Here comes another one. Argh where is he! 

I don't really understand what's going on but I'm sure I will find out eventually. Every time I hear a car outside I think it's him, and that any minute now I'm going to get a knock at the door or a phone call, but, I'm starting to think that it's not actually going to happen. Hm. Where is my boy? 

Well, enough typing. I'm gonna watch the OC or something. I was reading the Great Gatsby before but it's given me a headache now so a good blast of the tv will so me some good I reckon. Ha, I just realized I'm actually really good at touch typing - I barely look at my keyboard at all anymore. Damn I spend way too much time by my computer...