Fidelity

Morning comes in paradise,

Morning comes in light,

If you have a part of me,

Will you take your time.

Times are changing. A life I had become so comfortable with has been taken away from me, through no choice of my own. I am riddled with heartache and the discomfort of knowing how happy I was before now. I am trying to get past it. I am trying to stay positive. There is no need to repeat the story of what has led me here, as I am so sick of telling it. There is no way that we can move on if we insist on remembering the past. However, there is indeed a silver lining to every cloud, and I've got a few of them. When shit gets bad, you know who your real friends are, and I am so eternally grateful to say that I've got some of the best. Summer is going to be a godsend in terms of the time I need away in order to get over this mess. I don't want to be too optimistic about it though, as last summer was catastrophic I am avoiding getting my hopes up. I definitely feel demoralised at the moment. I refuse to ever give up my values, I know what they are and I have always stood by them. But when so much undeserved misfortune hits you at once, it inspires a lack of faith in anything. Despite how negative this may sound, for me it's a positive thing to not be too hopeful right now. There is something in the air and it is lingering.

Of course I have got an element of hope that it will pass, that summer will be blissful, and once again I will be happy like I was. But I am oh too much familiar with this pattern. Let's hope my luck changes soon.

As of tomorrow I am done for the summer. One weight off my mind for the time being. After being so suppressed by someone else's judgements and opinions, I feel it is time to rediscover me. I'm going shopping for a summer wardrobe. If I like it, I'll buy it. I'm wearing my hair curly, it's healthier and more summery. I'm getting my nose re-pierced because again, I liked it. And I am considering getting a tattoo saying 'fidelity' possibly on the back of my neck. I thought about getting this done a while ago when I first discovered the word. After being treated like shit, it has just made me realise even more how faithful I am when I am committed to someone. I will always stand by that. Generally in life I want to be loyal, to my friends, partner, family. The word inspires strength, and sometimes, when you feel at your lowest point, it is good to have a reminder of how strong I can be when I need to. It is possible, that word means a lot to me. And it is my expectation when it comes to friends and partners. I am what I am, and I expect the same in return. I have no time for disloyal, selfish cheats.

One quote which has got me through all of this suffering is:

"Sing. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss. Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. But in the end the race is long, and it's only with yourself."

Hope for the best, expect the worst.

I've had a lot of time to think.

The past month has really taught me a lot about myself. It has taught me that I had never been in love like I was with you before. I say was but I mean I still am. The 7 months that we were together we quite literally the best 7 months of my life. It felt like I'd struck gold with you. Not only did we have so much in common, but I just clicked with you right from the word go. This whole time I have been trying to look at the postives in what has happened to get me through. I've realised that I have got some of the most amazing friends, who before now I had really taken for granted. I've managed to get my own independance and I've genuinely enjoyed having my own space. But the truth is, Lewis that I miss you. I miss you so much. All along I have said that there is no one else I would rather be with and I stand by that. I don't know how to get over you when a huge part of me doesn't want to, and can't. Despite what has happened and what you did, I still care for you so much. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I miss everything that we had and would still do anything to have it back. I can forgive you for this because I love you that much. I'm so upset that I can't be with you anymore and it is absolutely killing me.

I don't know what to say or do anymore. I just miss you, a lot.