I don't know what to doooo. I don't know who to tell or how to act. I can't see myself getting over him because I'm in too deep now. And I can't get over him, because to do that I would have to know that there was no chance that we could get together. I can't find that out unless I talk to him. I can't talk to him about this. It would ruin our friendship. I feel awful and full of regret which makes me resent myself even more. Argh. I'm such an idiot, why have I waited until now to declare how I feel about him? Oooohhhh I don't know what to do. I need to talk to someone but it's got to be someone who can give me good advice, and who I can trust.

Mum will tell me to not do anything about it, but I can't do that. So what other choices are there? Argh, I'm so gonna get myself in shit here...

Things change.

It's been a while since I last wrote here. That's mainly because it's taken me a while to get over what happened. 

Not long after my last entry Mr X turned up at my door apologising for his lateness, he fell asleep. The night was... good. I woke up in the morning not wanting to move from his side, but knowing full well that my Othello coursework wasn't going to write itself. 

I'm not going to relive everything that happened, because I don't want to. I do not enjoy that memory. All I need to say now to clarify and move on - it is over between X and I. 

I am used to having someone in my life. Someone there to text, someone there to hang out with and flirt with. However, my backups have moved on. They are no longer there to catch me. Now for the first time in a long time I am really on my own. I hate it. What's worse, I still have feelings for one guy who is now involved with someone else. Unlike X, this guy is completely stable, kind, generous and for once my own age. We have an amazing connection, and we are fantastic friends. We started getting closer just before I found out that X liked me, then I focussed my attention on X because he was the newer, more exciting bad boy. Big mistake. While it was the early days of being involved with X, I went to a party and was very close with this other lad. However, even though me and him were into each other, he was also into someone else, just like I was with X. And that was okay, because it was I who decided to choose X over him. Nevertheless, now that I have broken up with X, he also got with the other girl.

I met her at a party for the first time the other night. She's such a genuinely nice girl. I wish she wasn't. I did not sense their chemistry, but that doesn't mean that they don't have any. I am envious, I dislike being in this situation especially as there is nothing that I can do about it. I can't tell anyone because then I sound like a bitch. I can't act on it, I can't talk to him about it because - what good could come of it? Ideally - in my horrible little mind - he would leave her for me. But I cannot expect him to do that. I just want him to be happy. And she is too nice to hurt. What's worse is that I cannot see them breaking up - ever. They both seem like the kind of people who will stay together forever because they're 'comfortable'. Worst. 

How dare I even feel this way. I had my chance with him so many times and blew it because I thought I could do better. It's only now that he is with someone else that I want him. I hate myself for that. I also believe, that now that I have been treated like utter shit in my past two relationships by guys who are older, drug users and general bad boys - I want someone different. He is someone different. He is exactly what I'm looking for.

But I am too late.