Like punching in a Dream

Breathing life into the nightmare.

I adore eyebrow pencil, when not used in a way that makes you look like a drag queen. Drawing on skin is a mistake, drawing on eyebrow hair is a winwin.

On my wish list for the near distant future - thanks to Christmas money burning a hole in my pocket - are some high wasted denim shorts, a nice waist belt - gold or tan, a fish eye lens for my current SLR camera, or a lomography diana camera, to get my roots died or dip dye all of my hair - undecided and some new albums for the ipod.

New years resolutions are to be more corporate. Work harder and get involved more. Look into a masters at Brighton, get a damn good degree in 2012. Save money for Urban Outfitters and Maybelline. Travel as much as possible. Be inspired.

I am being romantic and not sleeping with anyone (new) until I find someone I want to commit to. I am happy however, in the mean time to do friends with benefits with a certain X. After all, I think I'm going to end up marrying this one, just not yet.

We'll see though. It's one of those relationships where we tried being together and it didn't work, so we both moved on. And when those relationships have failed, we always come back to each other again, so casually, and then move on to a new relationship. I will always have feelings for him. I will probably want a relationship with him one day, but not now. Now he's a great mate, a great shag, all in all great company and perfect until I meet someone new.

Pyro

I don't wanna be a cornerstone.

I have a portfolio to write soon. I'm going to plan it out and structure it perfectly. Each section with bullet points which will be elaborated. Meticulous, precise, perfect. 2010 is ending. Possibly the best and worst year of my life. Definitely the most fucked up. '11, is not going to follow these patterns. I need to change again. I have lost myself in cynicism and bitterness. I used to whole heartidly believe that everything happened for a reason. I used to believe in romance. I used to be shy. I feel as though now, a shag is a shag. Nothing happens for a reason because I am not as happy now as I was then, and I can't explain why. But I am so sick of dwelling on that. I cannot wait to put this year behind me and work towards a new version of the old me. Instead of this tainted thing that I have become. My confidence has excelled which I don't think is a bad thing, but my ego has grown and with it my insecurities.

I have just read some of the journals I would right up to 3 years ago. I was so romantic, I held out the hope and fully believed that I would fall in love and I could not wait. Now, having been in love possibly twice since then, I feel bitter towards new romance. Now I just have sex for fun. As much as I love romance, the whole concept of putting my heart out there again absolutely petrifies me. Having been through it enough times, I would now consider myself as a fairly good judge of character. I want someone who is kind and wants me. I am sick of wanting people that don't want me. But having been with someone who I found so attractive, I now find it hard to look at men with the same eyes I once did a few years ago. I have become more shallow. Which right now I cannot help. I have standards. I am now telling myself I have standards. The no sex ban has been reinstalled. I am holding out again for love. I don't want to be a piece of meat anymore. I'm quitting before it's too late.

Until I find him, until I fall for him, I am waiting. My work will surely prevail with this. I believe that it will happen for me again.

Good things happen to those who wait.

Reborn the young romantic.