Okay, so summer is ending and it is time for me to step up and return back to the life that I had left in ruins. It's poignant. So painfully poignant. Starting the new year without him, having nothing to do with him, shunning him out of my life as much as physically and most importantly mentally possible. Poignant because it was this exact time last year that we met. Got together. The passion and the want to be with him constantly. There's some awful symmetry to it. A full, beautifully bitter circle that must finally end. The door has got to close now.
It's so dangerous to accept emotions. I voluntarily delved into quite a dark place a few days ago and it got me thinking about everything again. It was as if opening Pandoras box and everything just came flooding over me. So raw, so vivid it's too much. I need to let go of these feelings. I need to accept that this is done, or else I can't move on. I think the 26th of September will be this momentous day of emotional purgatory. A year will have passed. So much will have happened but it cannot go on. I am now preparing myself for the funeral of this relationship. I will still think about it, I will still miss it, I will still have an emotional attachment to him, but it cannot rule my life like it is now. Living with him cannot be a problem. It must not be a problem. I let him stay in that house, I have to accept what I chose to do. No I don't regret it. I think I probably should, but I don't. I couldn't live with myself, or be happy knowing I had destroyed someone's life. He ruined mine, but it's unjust to give it back.
I am waiting for the karma. The time when the good hits me for the shit I've been through. I keep trying to be a good person. I just hope it pays off, these tears must mean something, right? I am so tired of writing solum entries. Everything I seem to put on paper is a subconscious message to him and it's dire. So sad. So wallowing. I won't write here again unless it's of a happier entry. I need to look forward, and forget about that past. Leave it behind and move on. It's time to move on.
