Finished officially, everything is done. Everything is over. As I left The Lawns for the very last time, I said my sorry good byes to the best year of my life and the key catalyst that made it so. Undeniably the place oozed with him. It was an impossible situation for me to have to deal with whilst I was there and now I am relying on this vacuous 3 months to allow myself to adapt to a solitary life. My dependance on other people is something I recognise as being pathetic. I, in no sense of the word, ever want to see myself as pathetic. I am stronger than that and know that I have got, somewhere in me, the resilience I need to get over this whole debacle. My romantic heart and naive approach to love has turned me into a dirty cynic, still indeed lying to myself. Is that what this is going to take? Am I going to have to repress every emotion, thought, urge towards him and put it into a little box at the back of my mind? Am I going to have to lie to myself, deny my feelings, deny that I still care. I wish I could copy his apathy, but copying is only worth something on the surface. Is it a strength that I can't lie to myself about this?
I don't know how I feel about it. I'm having such a head fuck at the moment and keep telling myself that this is natural. After all, it is only day 3 of being home. And having done quite literally nothing but think, it's bound to take it's toll. I don't know, however, whether I should be thinking about getting back with him in September. Whether that is just setting myself up to get hurt, or whether that is just a comforting and easy thought to stop me going through this emotional trauma. I know, I know it's the wrong thing to think. I need to get over him. I need to do that as soon as possible. I just wish I knew how. Getting with someone else doesn't feel right. I would get with someone else because I feel lonely, but it won't get me over him. If anything it just makes me miss him more. So the sensible thing would be to get over him first before I 'move on'.
My answer to this; Less Than Zero. The book I read about 3 years ago has been on my mind ever since everything fell to shit. It paints a romantic view of depression. An apathetic view for teen drama and socialites. Hedonism. I am subjecting myself to it now, an experience whilst I am young. I'm going to stop caring about people who don't care about me and stop taking trivial things so seriously. Life is too short. I am becoming independent. Admittedly quite hard now I've moved back home for the summer. But I'm going to start driving more, even if it's just to go to the shop and buy some fabric. I'm going to get good on my sewing machine. I'm going to ration my money and see the people worth seeing. Go to Amsterdam, Berlin, perform in the Edinburgh Fringe, hit Leeds Festival for the 4th year running. Live, not merely exist.
Don't let the bastards get you down.
