It's the same old song that I always sing each year

I don't like the idea of someone I don't know, and don't care to know reading this.
This is my last entry.


Bring on 2011, I've fallen again.

Like punching in a Dream

Breathing life into the nightmare.

I adore eyebrow pencil, when not used in a way that makes you look like a drag queen. Drawing on skin is a mistake, drawing on eyebrow hair is a winwin.

On my wish list for the near distant future - thanks to Christmas money burning a hole in my pocket - are some high wasted denim shorts, a nice waist belt - gold or tan, a fish eye lens for my current SLR camera, or a lomography diana camera, to get my roots died or dip dye all of my hair - undecided and some new albums for the ipod.

New years resolutions are to be more corporate. Work harder and get involved more. Look into a masters at Brighton, get a damn good degree in 2012. Save money for Urban Outfitters and Maybelline. Travel as much as possible. Be inspired.

I am being romantic and not sleeping with anyone (new) until I find someone I want to commit to. I am happy however, in the mean time to do friends with benefits with a certain X. After all, I think I'm going to end up marrying this one, just not yet.

We'll see though. It's one of those relationships where we tried being together and it didn't work, so we both moved on. And when those relationships have failed, we always come back to each other again, so casually, and then move on to a new relationship. I will always have feelings for him. I will probably want a relationship with him one day, but not now. Now he's a great mate, a great shag, all in all great company and perfect until I meet someone new.

Pyro

I don't wanna be a cornerstone.

I have a portfolio to write soon. I'm going to plan it out and structure it perfectly. Each section with bullet points which will be elaborated. Meticulous, precise, perfect. 2010 is ending. Possibly the best and worst year of my life. Definitely the most fucked up. '11, is not going to follow these patterns. I need to change again. I have lost myself in cynicism and bitterness. I used to whole heartidly believe that everything happened for a reason. I used to believe in romance. I used to be shy. I feel as though now, a shag is a shag. Nothing happens for a reason because I am not as happy now as I was then, and I can't explain why. But I am so sick of dwelling on that. I cannot wait to put this year behind me and work towards a new version of the old me. Instead of this tainted thing that I have become. My confidence has excelled which I don't think is a bad thing, but my ego has grown and with it my insecurities.

I have just read some of the journals I would right up to 3 years ago. I was so romantic, I held out the hope and fully believed that I would fall in love and I could not wait. Now, having been in love possibly twice since then, I feel bitter towards new romance. Now I just have sex for fun. As much as I love romance, the whole concept of putting my heart out there again absolutely petrifies me. Having been through it enough times, I would now consider myself as a fairly good judge of character. I want someone who is kind and wants me. I am sick of wanting people that don't want me. But having been with someone who I found so attractive, I now find it hard to look at men with the same eyes I once did a few years ago. I have become more shallow. Which right now I cannot help. I have standards. I am now telling myself I have standards. The no sex ban has been reinstalled. I am holding out again for love. I don't want to be a piece of meat anymore. I'm quitting before it's too late.

Until I find him, until I fall for him, I am waiting. My work will surely prevail with this. I believe that it will happen for me again.

Good things happen to those who wait.

Reborn the young romantic.

A Sunday Smile

All I want is the best, for us my dear
And you know my wishes are sincere.
We burnt to the ground,
Left a view to admire.

I am done with this. That. Everything. It's finished. Undeniabley complicated and a part of me will always love him. However, a part of my will always hate him too. I cannot wait to not be around him. It feels like I am breathing fresh air when he is away. I am finally moving on.

I'm back.

Nuvole Bianche

White clouds.

Okay, so summer is ending and it is time for me to step up and return back to the life that I had left in ruins. It's poignant. So painfully poignant. Starting the new year without him, having nothing to do with him, shunning him out of my life as much as physically and most importantly mentally possible. Poignant because it was this exact time last year that we met. Got together. The passion and the want to be with him constantly. There's some awful symmetry to it. A full, beautifully bitter circle that must finally end. The door has got to close now.

It's so dangerous to accept emotions. I voluntarily delved into quite a dark place a few days ago and it got me thinking about everything again. It was as if opening Pandoras box and everything just came flooding over me. So raw, so vivid it's too much. I need to let go of these feelings. I need to accept that this is done, or else I can't move on. I think the 26th of September will be this momentous day of emotional purgatory. A year will have passed. So much will have happened but it cannot go on. I am now preparing myself for the funeral of this relationship. I will still think about it, I will still miss it, I will still have an emotional attachment to him, but it cannot rule my life like it is now. Living with him cannot be a problem. It must not be a problem. I let him stay in that house, I have to accept what I chose to do. No I don't regret it. I think I probably should, but I don't. I couldn't live with myself, or be happy knowing I had destroyed someone's life. He ruined mine, but it's unjust to give it back.

I am waiting for the karma. The time when the good hits me for the shit I've been through. I keep trying to be a good person. I just hope it pays off, these tears must mean something, right? I am so tired of writing solum entries. Everything I seem to put on paper is a subconscious message to him and it's dire. So sad. So wallowing. I won't write here again unless it's of a happier entry. I need to look forward, and forget about that past. Leave it behind and move on. It's time to move on.

Hedonism.

A little tornado, a little hurricano.

Finished officially, everything is done. Everything is over. As I left The Lawns for the very last time, I said my sorry good byes to the best year of my life and the key catalyst that made it so. Undeniably the place oozed with him. It was an impossible situation for me to have to deal with whilst I was there and now I am relying on this vacuous 3 months to allow myself to adapt to a solitary life. My dependance on other people is something I recognise as being pathetic. I, in no sense of the word, ever want to see myself as pathetic. I am stronger than that and know that I have got, somewhere in me, the resilience I need to get over this whole debacle. My romantic heart and naive approach to love has turned me into a dirty cynic, still indeed lying to myself. Is that what this is going to take? Am I going to have to repress every emotion, thought, urge towards him and put it into a little box at the back of my mind? Am I going to have to lie to myself, deny my feelings, deny that I still care. I wish I could copy his apathy, but copying is only worth something on the surface. Is it a strength that I can't lie to myself about this?

I don't know how I feel about it. I'm having such a head fuck at the moment and keep telling myself that this is natural. After all, it is only day 3 of being home. And having done quite literally nothing but think, it's bound to take it's toll. I don't know, however, whether I should be thinking about getting back with him in September. Whether that is just setting myself up to get hurt, or whether that is just a comforting and easy thought to stop me going through this emotional trauma. I know, I know it's the wrong thing to think. I need to get over him. I need to do that as soon as possible. I just wish I knew how. Getting with someone else doesn't feel right. I would get with someone else because I feel lonely, but it won't get me over him. If anything it just makes me miss him more. So the sensible thing would be to get over him first before I 'move on'.

My answer to this; Less Than Zero. The book I read about 3 years ago has been on my mind ever since everything fell to shit. It paints a romantic view of depression. An apathetic view for teen drama and socialites. Hedonism. I am subjecting myself to it now, an experience whilst I am young. I'm going to stop caring about people who don't care about me and stop taking trivial things so seriously. Life is too short. I am becoming independent. Admittedly quite hard now I've moved back home for the summer. But I'm going to start driving more, even if it's just to go to the shop and buy some fabric. I'm going to get good on my sewing machine. I'm going to ration my money and see the people worth seeing. Go to Amsterdam, Berlin, perform in the Edinburgh Fringe, hit Leeds Festival for the 4th year running. Live, not merely exist.

Don't let the bastards get you down.

Fidelity

Morning comes in paradise,

Morning comes in light,

If you have a part of me,

Will you take your time.

Times are changing. A life I had become so comfortable with has been taken away from me, through no choice of my own. I am riddled with heartache and the discomfort of knowing how happy I was before now. I am trying to get past it. I am trying to stay positive. There is no need to repeat the story of what has led me here, as I am so sick of telling it. There is no way that we can move on if we insist on remembering the past. However, there is indeed a silver lining to every cloud, and I've got a few of them. When shit gets bad, you know who your real friends are, and I am so eternally grateful to say that I've got some of the best. Summer is going to be a godsend in terms of the time I need away in order to get over this mess. I don't want to be too optimistic about it though, as last summer was catastrophic I am avoiding getting my hopes up. I definitely feel demoralised at the moment. I refuse to ever give up my values, I know what they are and I have always stood by them. But when so much undeserved misfortune hits you at once, it inspires a lack of faith in anything. Despite how negative this may sound, for me it's a positive thing to not be too hopeful right now. There is something in the air and it is lingering.

Of course I have got an element of hope that it will pass, that summer will be blissful, and once again I will be happy like I was. But I am oh too much familiar with this pattern. Let's hope my luck changes soon.

As of tomorrow I am done for the summer. One weight off my mind for the time being. After being so suppressed by someone else's judgements and opinions, I feel it is time to rediscover me. I'm going shopping for a summer wardrobe. If I like it, I'll buy it. I'm wearing my hair curly, it's healthier and more summery. I'm getting my nose re-pierced because again, I liked it. And I am considering getting a tattoo saying 'fidelity' possibly on the back of my neck. I thought about getting this done a while ago when I first discovered the word. After being treated like shit, it has just made me realise even more how faithful I am when I am committed to someone. I will always stand by that. Generally in life I want to be loyal, to my friends, partner, family. The word inspires strength, and sometimes, when you feel at your lowest point, it is good to have a reminder of how strong I can be when I need to. It is possible, that word means a lot to me. And it is my expectation when it comes to friends and partners. I am what I am, and I expect the same in return. I have no time for disloyal, selfish cheats.

One quote which has got me through all of this suffering is:

"Sing. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss. Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. But in the end the race is long, and it's only with yourself."